press conference

(A press conference held by rock star Shane McTaggish. He's in his sixties, grizzled and craggy-looking.)

SHANE: Cheers, and thanks for coming. I've called this conference to announce to the world, that I have fallen in love with the most amazing woman in the world. I've asked this woman for her hand, and all the other bits too, in marriage. She's the most amazing woman I've ever met...did I say that? I said that. I never imagined that I could love another human being the way I love her. I know, I know, I've done this dance a few times before...even said one or two of the same words...but this woman, she makes every woman I've ever known seem like a silly child. It's the first time in my life I've ever truly felt like myself around someone. She's the only woman who's ever not cared one tiny bit about me bein' a star...it's like she doesn't even relate to me as "Shane McTaggish", whoever the hell that bloke is. I want to have a family with this woman, like, tomorrow. I want to grow old with her. I want to have a garden with her. I know, I know...I can see you have lots of questions. But why don't we bring her out, then you can ask us both. Would you like that? (a wave of assent from the crowd) I thought as much. Come on out, Sweetybunny! Yeah, over here, that's right. (Mary joins Shane. She is in her nineties.) She's a little shy, so we'll see if we can get her to talk. (he squeezes and tickles her, and she slaps his hand) Ladies and lads, I'd like you to meet my fiance...Mary MacPherson. (there have been occasional flashbulbs, but now there is a flurry) Say hello, Mary. (she dignifiedly nods) A real chatterbox, this one. We'll take questions. (There is a silence. Shane looks around.) Yes, you?
REPORTER #1: Um...is this your first marriage, Mary? (she shakes her head)
SHANE: She's been married once before...but not one a'them Hollywood marriages. How many years was it, Sweetybunny?
MARY: Forty-seven.
SHANE: He died young though...taken before his time. (she nods) But Mary obviously knows how to make love work. She's the strongest person I've ever met. You?
REPORTER #2: Uh...how did you and Mary meet?
SHANE: Tell 'em, Hun. (she shakes her head) My little shy Bunny...we met in a massage parlor. No really! In the lobby. She asked me to recommend a masseuse, and i had just been worked over by this big, blonde amazon, who left me black and blue, I swear. I told Mary I refused to let her go through the same torture, so I invited her to my place, where my regular masseuse would take care of her. She came, and enjoyed it immensely. I invited her for another session, but the second time i gave my masseuse the day off. When Mary got there, I suggested we massage each other. And we did.
REPORTER #2: And one thing led to...
SHANE: That's exactly right, mate. Innit, Sweetybunny? (she rolls her eyes) Yes?
REPORTER #3: Shane, did you say that you and Miss MacPherson were planning...a family?
SHANE: Absolutely, yes. We're workin' on that. She says we might adopt. Whatever, any way...I just can't wait.
REPORTER #3: But you're working on it the...old-fashioned way?
SHANE: Ahhh, you cheeky boy. Shame on you. Cover your ears, Sweetbunny. (he tries to cover her ears, and gets his hand slapped away) It's always about sex with you jounalistes, innit? Gotta sell those papers. Well I for one refuse to pander to such a... (he starts laughing) ...I'm sorry, I can't keep a straight face. Yeah. You're looking at a man who is having the best sex he's ever had. And he's had a lot of sex. Mary don't mind me saying this, but she's actually a bit older than me. And you know, you always hear about "older women, older women"...I never imagined it was actually true. Bloody fantastic. But all you blokes, you won't listen...I was like you once. Yes?
REPORTER #4: Shane, isn't there any concern about...well, being too old to start a family?
SHANE: That's an honest question...no no no, don't give 'er a dirty look. I've thought about that, i 'ave...and the truth is, yeah, I've lived a hard life. No mistake about it. My doctors can't guarantee I'll live another twenty years, or...ten...or, whatever. But that's life, innit? And I know that, however long I live, these children will be loved. What else can you do?
REPORTER #4: No Shane, I wasn't uh, talking about...
SHANE: About what?
REPORTER #4: I...I have no question.
SHANE: Alright then. Anyone else? No? No? That's good, cos' Mary and I have a plane waiting. She claims she's not a member of the mile-high club. I don't believe her for a second. Yeah, you?
REPORTER #1: Shane, Mary...is there a wedding date set? (Mary nods)
SHANE: Well, yeah. Since you ask...and since I can't ask you all along...we'll be in Mexico in the morning, and when we get back home, we'll have another conference in which you'll meet Mrs. Mary McTaggish. (they kiss) Cheers, all. See you in a few weeks. (they stand, amid murmurs)
REPORTER #3: Shane, have the other members of the band met her?? Shane! (the couple exit the hubbub)