the knicker wars

Knickers.
Some words are just funny.
"Cor, i nearly peed my knickers!"
"Alright ladies, knickers off!"
The word "knickers" takes on an added level of embarrassed humor in America, as we're not 100% sure what they are, but know that it's something to do with panties and privates, so we go through our whole lives pretending we actually know, when we don't. Our confusion is compounded by the fact that golfer's short pants seem to be referred to as knickers, too. As indeed they are.
But in Great Britain, my friends, knickers are no more or less than plain old panties. Brits say "panties" too, avoiding our confusion.
The classic knicker definition is "long panties", from the 19th century (the crack of dawn for women's undergarments in the western world). Knickers came down to just below the knee. As women wore dresses, the thought of "briefer" undergarments didn't occur to anyone. For their first 100 years, knickers were two separate legs connected at the waist. In a word - crotchless. Yes. Queen Victoria wore crotchless panties.
And then at the end of the 19th century, came the darkest period in underwear's brief history. A time so disturbing, that history books don't speak of it.
THE KNICKER WARS.
Great cultural forces came clashing together, and underwear ultimately did the same.
The crotchless aspect of panties in the 19th century had made for a randy time. If victorians seem dour, it's only because they all put on their serious faces for paintings...photography wasn't widespread enough for that which we all take for granted - the candid shot. Candid shots of victorians would have shown some happy, sexy people.
Do you know how fast you can get to a woman's tingly bits, when she's wearing a dress and crotchless panties?
You probably don't. But every victorian man and woman did.
And life went happily along, until the forces of social prudery, spearheaded by the church, got together. They decided that all this easy access was an affront to decency. Crotched panties were born, and across a nation, people quickly took sides.
The church's side became known forever as the knicker-haters.
On the other side...the knicker-lovers.
Any pretense of decency and tolerance quickly faded. Shops and community centers began displaying signs, "KNICKERS NOT ALLOWED". Gangs of knicker-haters roamed the streets, holding aloft crotched panties. When they came across a woman who wouldn't raise her dress, they forced their inspections upon her. Were she to be found wearing classic knickers, they would be torn from her and destroyed, along with her dress. They would then forcibly place crotched panties on her, tie her hands behind her back, and set her free.
In response, the knicker-lovers flouted their freedom more than ever. Kilts became the fashion of the day, making random sexual trysts even more unencumbered. Whereas before people had been content to confine their carnal consummations to alleyways and linen closets, it became a sign of social protest for couples to copulate in the open streets. Some knicker-lovers took to wearing a pair of crotched panties on one of their arms, signifying to any knicker-loving stranger that they were game for a shag anytime, anyplace.
In March of 1899, the knicker-haters held their largest public protest in front of Westminster Palace. Twenty thousand voices came together, shouting "WE HATE KNICKERS...WE HATE KNICKERS...WE HATE KNICKERS...WE HATE KNICKERS".
The following Wednesday, seven thousand knicker-lovers disguised as knicker-haters gathered before Westminster, threw off their disguises, and had an orgy.
In 1900, the eighty year-old Queen Victoria made her last public appearance at Buckingham Palace. Rheumatism had left her barely able to stand. She knew only that a strong message from England's monarch could quell the violence tearing apart the land. Pushing her nurses aside, she slowly lifted her dress.
She was wearing crotched panties.
And the days of knicker-lovers were done.